MALANEY
Okay guys. We are in the outro, but before we get to who is coming on the show next week. I need to . . . I just need to. . . well DW is here. . .do you want to tell everyone what you have done?
DW
Other than kick your ass in candy crush finally?
MALANEY
How dare you! Oh no. You are not getting away with this nonsense.
DW
I do not know why you are acting like I did something wrong
MALANEY
Here is the thing guys, I need, uh, I am so flustered, okay so just a tiny back story here DW and I are very competitive and we are not allowed to play games with prizes at least against one another after a brutal words with friends show down a few years ago. But we started a competition in candy crush, no prize, but there is a rule and the rule is---
DW
The ONLY rule by the way
MALANEY
No stop! Let me explain this accurately before you swindle people to your side. So the competition is that the person who breaks down and pays for candy crush or boosters or lives first, loses. Simple. that's it.
Now, like you would assume I have been beating DW since we started this almost two years ago I always have a higher score, and I am always way ahead of her. And then, the other day, she surpassed me by a great deal with relatively high scores. So my alarms went off
And so I naturally confronted her about this because I know what she is capable of. Sometimes I stop playing for two weeks or play on her phone so she can catch up so it is more fair.
So anyways, I bring it up and then I find out, that she has been using a website where it shows you how to beat every level of candy crush step by step!
DW
it is not against the rules!
MALANEY
Then I told her that she automatically loses BECAUSE THIS IS OBVIOUSLY INEXCUSABLE CHEATING and she will not admit it, and then she pretended to defend herself and weasel her way out of what is clearly cheating by taking out a book on contract law from 1993 to tell me how right she is because our game is some type of oral contract and and I just...just admit this is cheating so this can be over and I win by default
DW
It is not cheating.
MALANEY
Yes it is.
DW
You only think it is cheating because you did not think of it first.
MALANEY
First of all, I don't need it and second, it is absolutely cheating!
DW
No it is not, it is just research material. I was utilizing free resources available to everyone, and there is no rule against it. If there is no rule against it then it is not cheating.
MALANEY
SOME RULES ARE IMPLIED!
DW
It is not, and it is not cheating. I am developing skills, I am becoming a better player by using publicly available resources.
MALANEY
NO! losing and learning from losing each level is the practicing and developing skills. Reading exactly how to beat each level online is . . . it is just cheating. How does that NOT give you an unfair advantage?
DW
It is not cheating if there is not a rule against it. And there is not a rule against it, and . . .and you can look at it too so how is it an unfair advantage?
MALANEY
I guess I just play with good sportsmanship
DW
Good sportsmanship? Every single time you make it to a new chapter or whatever I get a screenshot with a text that says "SUCK IT LOSER" in all caps
MALANEY
Oh please, I have not done that in . . . days . . .
Okay answer this, and don't BS me. Would it be cheating if you gave your phone to someone to play and you said it was you playing?
DW
Well yeah.
MALANEY
But that is not in the rules?!
DW
Well . . . so.
MALANEY
HA, no. You cannot say, you cannot say---
DW
No no no no wait, let me explain, let me explain why that would be an example of something that you could assume is against the rules.
MALANEY
Even though you literally just said there was only one rule?
DW
Well. So. Giving my phone to someone else to play as me to deceive you would obviously be cheating because it has an element of fraud. Googling how to beat a certain level of candy crush which by chance brings me onto a website which shows me how to beat every level of candy crush coincidentally is a completely different thing. No intent, not a secret, not cheating.
MALANEY
Oh. Okay. Was there intent when you kept using it after you "coincidentally" ended up on that website?
DW
It is not against the rules so how could there be an intent to use it to cheat?
MALANEY
Some rules are implied and some rules are explicit.
DW
In an oral contract though terms must be explicit. Comes out of this restatement of contract law book here that you were rolling your eyes over earlier
MALANEY
Except for that fraud thing is implied?
DW
Yes because fraud . . . see here in this book I haven't opened for 25 years, fraud is an absolute defense to a contract oral or written. See here, restatement number - -
MALANEY
It is not a contract, it is a competition and you are NOT an expert in contract law
DW
Well technically it is an oral contract, because it is mutually agreed upon spoken terms. If you would like amend or modify the terms of this agreement I would consent with some conditions. And I never claimed to be an expert but I can look up rules in a book.
MALANEY
But not follow basic generally understood rules! You are ridiculous.
DW
But am I wrong?
you are just mad that now I have no reason to give in and pay for it.
MALANEY
Yes exactly that! It ruins the game Okay. It is now officially against the rules to use the cheating website and I have documented it and recorded it as an explicit rule to our contest.
DW
I do not know what you mean by "the cheating website" since there was no cheating.
MALANEY
The website that tells you how to win every level of candy crush you can no longer use in our competition. Is that clear enough for you?
DW
Damnit I should have shut up and just let you finalize it the first way and nothing would have changed. Okay. FINE. Now it is a rule. Is that your only additional term because we are not changing the rules to make it easier for you again.
MALANEY
Easier for me? Please Yes, that's it---why are you smirking at me? Why does this feel like some kind of trap? What did I say that was wrong?
DW
I am not. I just want confirmation that this is the new term to the agreement, those words.
MALANEY
This does not feel right to me at all.
DW
I think you are doing just a great and outstanding job representing yourself so can we uh wrap this up.
MALANEY
This is OBVIOUSLY some kind of trick. Yeah you know what I have to think about this. Because in two weeks I will learn I screwed up somehow and you will once again try to use your fake lawyering to get out of some BS that you pull.
DW
I am being so nice to you, I am literally letting you make up all the rules and I didn't even impose additional conditions. Consider yourself lucky.
MALANEY
You are the one who is making up rules or . . . or making up things that are not rules. I just want an actual contracts attorney to tweet at me and tell me if you are full of it or not and what I should be doing here. Because you know sometimes you just have a gut feeling that something isn't right and this is one of those times.
DW
Listen, I agree. I also want the agreement on record, so in three months when you start yelling at me and accuse me of being a cheater or whatever I can refer to this and be like these are the exact terms you yourself came up with them. In court, and candy crush court contracts are construed against the drafting party, so consider that when you work on these terms here.
MALANEY
How about we ask the court of public opinion?
DW
You know . . . a lot of people who lose in the court of public opinion are absolutely right and are later vindicated and redeemed by historians.
MALANEY
Do you think that’s what is happening here, hmm? You think in 100 years people who archive podcasts are going to listen to this and be like, that DW lady was so right she definitely wasn't cheating when she followed step by step guides to beat levels of candy crush in a competition against her girlfriend.
DW
Well if more people agree with me than you, no I am just clealry right. But if more people agree with you than me then yes that is definitely the situation that will happen and I am still right in the end. I honestly don't even know why you are so upset about it.
MALANEY
Yeah geeze I do not know... hmm. Okay well it is recorded, on the record, on a published pod there is no more cheating of any type allowed in this game.
DW
Hmm you know I thought that no cheating was an implied rule?
MALANEY
Do you think you are funny? You know what? I am not going to show you a single tweet now of someone agreeing with you.
DW
Since I don't have a twitter, I will just assume they all do, like usual. Willful blindness.
MALANEY
Alright, alright. You are DONE. This outro which didn't even outro anything is DONE. I am kicking DW out and I am going to do the actual outro myself. I still cannot believe that after this you will not admit that I win by default.
DW
NEVER.
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