Bonus Episode Twitter Questions

Off the Record Podcast Excerpts
August 28, 2018
Bonus Pod Excerpt

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MALANEY: Okay, guys. Today is my last pod before I get married and per twitter’s request DW will be joining us for this mini bonus pod of nothing.

DW: Aww that’s so sweet that you’re getting married, is it to that ginger lawyer smoke show?

MALANEY: Well it’s to a ginger lawyer… who blows a lot of smoke…

DW: [over the top dramatic gasping sound] You know, I was doing something before you demanded I come do this with you and if you aren’t going to be nice to me--

MALANEY: You told me you were going to do some yoga and when I came out to the living room you were eating chips on the couch.

DW: Yeah it’s called potato yoga.

MALANEY: Potato yoga?

DW: Yeah you put on yoga pants and sit in a relaxed child’s pose and eat some form of potatoes, it really helps with meditation and breathing and anxiety. I highly recommend it you guys should try it.

MALANEY: uhhh huh. Yeah…so uh how is your wedding fitness plan going?

DW: It was sweet potato chips… and uh and and how is your wedding fitness plan going?

MALANEY: Not great actually, yesterday, we tried to go running

DW: Which was was a stupid idea because the heat was like oppressive

MALANEY: But instead we just walked to the train to go to Ess-a-bagel.

DW: Which was a good idea because bagels are good no matter what

MALANEY: You know when we made those goals it seemed like maybe it wasn’t going to really happen.

DW: Well I don’t know what your problem is, I’m doing yoga, so…

MALANEY: Don’t make me regret doing this show with you.

DW: girl, you’re about to have a lifetime of regrets, because once that ring is on this finger I’m just gonna let it all go

MALANEY: yeah, let it go even more than trying to pass off eating chips as exercise?

DW: I’m gonna get so many cats

MALANEY: we have a very strict no more cats than people rule in our house

DW: is there a way for me to designate myself ‘man of the house’ without having to use that phrase, kill spiders, or do handy work so I can change that rule?

MALANEY: uhm you are the spider killer though

DW: I am not! That’s all you. I am the spider cup catcher

MALANEY: absolutely not, you’re taller, taller person kills bugs that’s the rule.

DW: that is not a rule!

MALANEY: that is the rule of every lesbian couple in the whole world

DW: what if they are the same height?

MALANEY: Hmm you know, I, think those anti-gay marriage people may have had a point, and I am starting to think that the logistics of this are not going to work out.

DW: if only they had based their arguments on who was going to kill bugs for us instead of religion then who knows...

MALANEY: that was the secret, but I guess we have to throw in the towel

DW: we almost made it. Do you guys know, that when Mal first went to Australia, she would send me photos of giant bugs and shit she saw there? I mean so I would say, and I am sure twitter is going to agree so no need to vote on it, that someone who has experience with crazy big bugs should uhh be in charge of the bug killing situation

MALANEY: no, the universal rule is tallest person in the relationship. Also, this conversation makes it sound like we have a chronic bug problem, not the case, but I don’t want to spend 20 minutes figuring out who is the bug person when we do have one. Because if I think there is one in here then I can’t sleep.

[ . . . ]

MALANEY: Okay okay okay you are actually here for an important reason.

DW: are you finally going to propose to me? Because I have been waiting…

MALANEY: yeah four days before the wedding and I am finally going to pop the question

DW: It’s gonna be a real nail biter to see if I am going to say yes.

MALANEY: yeah… okay now that we wasted all that time, let’s do what you’re really here for, twitter questions. First question from @86it do you have any bad date stories about each other? And the answer is YES

DW: we do not, that is a total lie.

MALANEY: Yes. Yes. We do! On our first date, at the very end of it DW was like, you know what, this is so funny but you realize you never told me what your name was. And she was such a liar, I had told her and she forgot and she forgot the first time she met me, and met me again but just pretended for like a super long time that everything was cool and she thought she could get away with it.

DW: And then I took her on a very very nice second date and the wait staff sang you happy birthday to prove that I knew what your name was.

MALANEY: Well, they sang Melanie happy birthday.

DW: They did, they did sing Melanie happy birthday. And then, Mal told them it wasn’t actually her birthday and the hostess scolded me for abusing the birthday policy.

MALANEY: I did forget about that that scolding part.

DW: She was like if you abuse our birthday policy again we will charge you 150 dollars.

MALANEY: So you got a freebie basically

DW: I thought I was being cute you know, and like that would have worked if I was the straight white male lead of a 2005 rom-com.

MALANEY: Were you surprised I had higher standards for my dates than the women of 2005 rom-coms had for theirs? Also, is your 2005 rom-com called How to Lose a Lesbian in 2 Dates?

DW: I think you mean how to keep. I also remember you laughing so hard at me in the taxi after dinner that you cried, so how exactly did this turn out bad for you?

MALANEY: Okay I guess it wasn’t really like a bad date story. DW was right, but I like to bring it up to make her feel bad. Okay okay, here’s one, from @JenNotJenny10, who are your favorite underrated gay icons and why?

DW: The Babadook? I don’t know. I will say I made people into gay icons in my head... I had a really big crush on Lynda Carter who played Wonder Woman when I was young and uh when I was older Lucy Lawless. So I guess I have a type. I mean they were just so cool and powerful. I don’t know if that’s a question I can answer because a lot of gay culture icons are perceived through male gay culture and like that’s just different from what I wanted to identify with.

MALANEY: Xena is a quintessential lesbian icon though. Can you guess my favorite?

DW: I am gonna say… me…

MALANEY: Yeah it’s you. Good job.

DW: Aw so sweet.. I’m kidding. But uhm I don’t actually know their names but it’s the Indigo Girls, right? You are like an Indigo Girl diehard cliché.

MALANEY: how dare you not know their names!

DW: is it like Pat and Stevie or something?

MALANEY: Amy and Emily… Pat and Stevie you should be ashamed of yourself right now.

DW: I am really living up to to that t-shirt you got me that says world’s okayest lesbian.

MALANEY: Yes. Yes you really are.

[ . . . ]

MALANEY: Okay guys, so after my short hiatus next week I am going to be back to announce some news, first thing on the very next show. Thank you so much future Mrs. Hyphenated Weisman for doing a few twitter questions with me.

DW: I like it how you thank me like I have a choice but you are so welcome.

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