MALANEY
DW has been off the pod for six months, people have tweeted asking for you, so what is new in DW news?
DW
You know, not much, but I did want to address one of our last topics, and I just want to report that I have not had a single breakfast candy bar for the six months you were gone.
MALANEY
Don't lie to us. I know that is just straight bull. You tried to sneak a twix bar for breakfast today.
DW
I said while you were gone.
MALANEY
Do you think you deserve a reward for this? I know for a fact it is a lie.
DW
it is not!
MALANEY
but if you can tell me with a straight face that you did not eat a twix bar for breakfast since I left and came back I will do the dishes immediately forever. If you recall, DW has an unbelievable low patience level for dishes.
DW
Uh uh, okay, hold it. What do you mean by "low patience?" I think you have a certain lack of urgency to the dishes situation. Do you know, that since Malaney has been back she has used more dishes in three days than I used the entire time she was gone.
MALANEY
Well that is because I cook food!
DW
Uhmm you know, I do not think that is part of it.
MALANEY
Of course it is!
DW
No. Because. Because. Why does you cooking require you to have six cups scattered around the house? Like why? Explain that one. Why can't you take the cup on the night stand or the one on the coffee table or the one on the counter or the one next to you and just reuse that one cup all day? I don't understand why it is easier for you to go back to the kitchen and get a new cup each time.
MALANEY
See what I mean?
DW
You leave them there for like hours! What if I need a cup and you have them all used and dirty hanging around the house?
MALANEY
Let's table this conversation because it is clear to me that you are trying to change the subject now because you do not want to get caught in your bold face lie from before. This is the deal, if you can tell me that you did not eat a twix bar for breakfast the entire time I was gone like you deliberately claimed I will do all the dishes immediately forever for the rest of our lives.
DW
hope you have some Dawn on hand
MALANEY
you know you are going to lose
DW
[Loudly] Uhm [pauses] Uhm. Well if you think about what I claimed earlier a candy bar for breakfast is actually different than a breakfast candy bar which is what I said.
MALANEY
No. Done. Do not even try. You lose.
DW
It is just you have a habit of misunderstanding my words. See what I am saying is . . .
MALANEY
How long is this bit going to be?
DW
What I was claiming is that I did not eat one of those fake breakfast bars that is essentially the same thing as a candy bar for breakfast for the six months that you were gone and that is completely true.
MALANEY
[groaning in annoyance] uh huh
DW
What I did not say is that I did not have a candy bar for breakfast like a twix bar the entire time you were gone. That was not my claim. I did not say that, because I think it is clear that it probably happened on maybe one or more occasions. So I guess that means by the rules of your bet you have to do dishes forever and immediately, so. Pod over, go collect your cups now.
MALANEY
You tried to eat a twix bar for breakfast this morning.
DW
First of all, do not make me sound like some kind of monster. It was 10:30 in the morning, and a twix bar is basically a chocolate and caramel covered biscotti. It is not like I tried to eat a milky way.
MALANEY
Wait, wait, wait a second, and I would like to at sometime address this hierarchy of candy bars you deem appropriate or inappropriate for breakfast, but I do not think your argument holds up.
DW
Of course it does.
MALANEY
No! it does not, because I think the bet was that, "if you can tell me you didn not eat a twix bar for breakfast while I was gone I would do the dishes forever" and what you just did was confirm that you very likely did eat twix bars for breakfast while I was gone when you tried to get out of your statement or I mean made some clarification of what you meant, right?
DW
[pause] Uhhhm . . .no. . . wait . . . wait . . . what? Back up a second. Whatever you said is definitely wrong, and whatever I said is right, and there is no need to check beyond this definitely non self-serving statement I am making right now.
MALANEY
[gasping] Did I just out DW-you?
DW
Impossible.
MALANEY
Well we will see about that because we can just stop this and play it back to ourselves and actually hear what I said and then what you said.
DW
I'd--- you know --- I think that maybe. . . that is a bridge too far. Does being right matter that much to you that you would interrupt the flow of this great back and forth?
MALANEY
Actually being right does not matter that much to me, but you being wrong after you made up a bunch of BS to prove you were right does.
MALANEY
Okay. We just played this back to ourselves and [gloating] DW do you have something you want to say?
DW
[long pause] Uhhh [pauses] is this what it feels like to be you? Being wrong is something I am not used to, it does not feel great. Mal, tell me, how do you do it all the time?
MALANEY
DW was so mad when she heard the play back, she turned bright red. I have pictures. It was a great moment.
DW
Wow. You know I always thought you were above this type of gotcha journalism. Just bring out the gotcha dancers why don't you?
MALANEY
Sorry what was that? I was just changing my phone wallpaper to that photo of you realizing you were wrong.
DW
You know, the real issue here is food shaming. I do not know why you always food shame me.
MALANEY
Because you should not eat candy bars for breakfast which is a universally accepted rule of food consumption.
DW
You know what? Universally accepted rules. . . I mean they change . . .like remember Copernicus---
MALANEY
Oh my-- I don't have to take any sass from you right now, Ms.Pioneer going against the grain.
DW
Well you know what, all breakfast food is basically carbs and sugar and fat! Hey Mal, hey, uhm, excuse me, but what did you get for breakfast today? A stupid gross yogurt smoothie which had more grams of sugar than a twix bar! Forgot to mention that, huh?
MALANEY
And 13 more grams of protein than your twix bar. . .
DW
AND, and, and, what did the smoothie come in? A plastic container, use one time and throw away, and what did the twix bar come in? A teeny tiny little wrapper. So do you even kind of care about the environment? It is earth's birthday month!
MALANEY
Real nice pivot.
DW
It is the truth.
MALANEY
So the bottle I washed out and recycled, versus the wrapper you threw in the garbage is worse for the environment?
DW
You know you have to think about the creation of an item and not just its disposal when considering the environmental impact.
MALANEY
Do you think twix bars grow from the ground?
DW
I believe they are gathered from sustainable twix trees.
MALANEY
In the candy crush forest where they send all people who lose candy crush competitions?
DW
Not to change the topic because I really want to address that inflammatory false statement you just made about me and my candy crush skills, but for your records, a twix tree is what I would like for my birthday.
MALANEY
Yeah. You are getting a book on how nutrition works.
DW
Just being honest here, I would keep that receipt.
MALANEY
I will get you the audible version.
DW
You know. You know. I just want to point something else out here.
MALANEY
You might actually be worse when you are wrong about something than when you are right.
DW
I just think that a lot of listeners never thought about this, but uh you know, you kind of have a lot of power with the editing technology in a podcast. Like Malaney edits these so I have no idea what they say after. So like she could take a conversation we had and I was totally right and she could edit it to make it look like I lost an argument.
MALANEY
WHAT?
DW
I just think that they should be aware of this great power that you have over the dialogue. To me it kind of gives the appearance of impropriety and do journalist ethics allow for that?
MALANEY
Oh okay, yeah, great investigative work there Spotlight.
DW
I am not saying that you do, I am just saying that power is there and people should keep an open mind about it. I mean there is no way to really know if I was right or wrong considering that fact.
MALANEY
I have never edited any conversation to make it look like I won an argument and you lost. Trust me, you do enough damage on your own.
DW
Hey, bias is a legitimate form of impeachment. It's something I should be allowed to probe in my defense.
MALANEY
I don't know why I have to keep explaining this to you, but my podcast is not a courtroom.
DW
Well you are lucky it is not.
MALANEY
Yeah, I mean I do feel lucky because remember that time 10 minutes ago where you argued yourself into such a circle that I actually won on accident? Rusty?
DW
Listen, I am on vacation, also I have no idea what you are talking about.
MALANEY
Well don't worry because I have it recorded in case you want to hear it a second time, and this time I can take a video for you.
DW
You know that I suffer from selective hearing. . .
MALANEY
Oh yeah, and selective truth telling.
DW
Here is the biggest joke of this whole thing that I just realized now. I can't believe I even took the bait on that bet because you are leaving! how were you going to do all the dishes when you are thousands of miles away? Why did I not realize this sooner?
MALANEY
That bet was a win/win for me. Was not expecting it to be a win/win/win and I got a new phone wallpaper out of it.
DW
Well Mal, I am so glad I could help you there.
MALANEY
Aww, well thanks for coming back on with me.
DW
Well I regret it now.
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